dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
