Im at strip club and am horny
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
