i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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