i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
