we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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