I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
