Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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