And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
