I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
