You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
