Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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