Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
