i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
