I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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