I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
