My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
