Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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