I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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