So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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