I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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