I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
