Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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