oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
