Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I need moral support for this bender
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
