More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dignity is for republicans.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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