and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
