1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
