I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I did not marry a roomba.
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