Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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