My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
