my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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