how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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