The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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