i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
