My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
