I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
