I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
