he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
