I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just want nice things and good sex
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
