there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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