Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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