I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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