and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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