Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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