After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
