you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
