I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
