I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
