I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
