I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
