my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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