I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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