Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
