Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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