i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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